Dear Self,
You’re doing fine. Read it again. You are doing just fine.
And don’t get stuck on “fine.” Nobody needs you to be great all the time. Nobody even needs you to be good. You are doing fine. And that is enough.
At some point over the course of the last 33 years you learned you had to be great. You began performing and exhausting yourself striving for perfection. But perfection is overrated, unnecessary, and unattainable. Your quest for perfectionism is robbing you of joy and content. It is making you uneasy and unsettled. Nothing is wrong with you. There is no way to be happy when your brain is constantly telling you that you haven’t done enough and the world is constantly reinforcing that message. You are so convinced you have to be perfect to earn love and prove your worth that you’re willing to live discontent. You’re punishing yourself for falling short of an impossible standard. That benefits nobody. You deserve better. You deserve more.
Take a deep breath. You are shouldering a lot. Too much. In case it wasn’t hard enough to live through a global pandemic, your child also has cancer. You have made it through two years of stress, uncertainty, and bone crushing fear. It didn’t feel good. It didn’t go as planned. It didn’t feel smooth or easy. But you did it. And you did it just fine.
It has become too easy to believe you could’ve done better. It is actually painful how quick you are to discount yourself and your work because you’re afraid it isn’t enough. It is sad how deeply you believe love and acceptance given to you are conditional on your ability to work and serve and perform and show up. I’m sorry you’ve been living with this pressure. I really do promise you’re doing just fine.
Right now, it is time to rest. It is time to just be. It is time to stop doing more. It is time to breathe. It is time to push back on the message that you have anything to prove. It is time to shut down the guilt. Your husband, kids, family, and friends don’t want this for you. They want more. The only way to get more is to pause. Stop moving so fast, so constantly, so recklessly. Instead, just rest. Then when you’re convinced you’ve rested enough, rest some more. And when you’re fidgety with jitters to get up and move, rest some more.
This life is not about who does the most. There is no report card at the end of all this. And even if there was, the A’s don’t mean much. You don’t have to do anything to be great. Your existence is enough. Your being is good. Your love is great. There is no such thing as perfect, so it is time to let fine be enough.
You are doing just fine. That is more than enough. (On repeat until the end of time.)
-Me
*Originally published April 2022 and republished August 2023